Boat Ride From Hell

After our "luxurious" hotel in Luang Prubang we were sad to say goodbye, but nevertheless excited about going to the so called Gibbon Experience (you will find out later in the blog what it's all about). However, first we had to get to the border town of Huay Xai in Laos. Since there are no roads leading there, our options were simple. We could either take the slow boat (2 days) or catch a speed boat (6 hours). Seeing that two days on a wooden bench sounded like a nightmare, we opted for the speedy boat.

The boat left at 8.30 in the morning, and by 7.30 we were all ready to leave. By all, I mean, Mahta, Paul, Clare and myself. Since the pier was 7 KM outsidef the city, we hired a tuk-tuk to take us there, but it would be a ride worth remembering. The tuk-tuk we had asked was of the regular shitty kind you find in Laos, meaning it was basically an old motorcycle with a hanger. We all got in the back (with our luggage), and told the driver we were ready. He twists the handlebar and gives the bike all the power he has, only to find out that we are stuck on the hill. Shit. No threat though, Haakon gets out and pushes the tuk-tuk from behind until we get enough speed to start going. So far, so good. As you can imagine, the weight of all four of us in the back was obviously way too much for the bike to handle. The ride to the pier was slow and at times we thought his bike would break. However, it is not until we reach the final uphil that it happened. The bike overheats, he stops, and we all quickly realize that there is no chance in hell this bike will ever start again. Poor guy. All he wanted was to get a nice fat fare early in the morning, but instead the four whities are too fat for his tuk-tuk. The thing was completely out of comission, so we were forced to take another one the last 5 miutes to the pier. We did eventually get there though.

After paying about 30 bucks each, we were secured a nice ticket on the speed boat to Huay Xai. We had heard from other people that it would be loud and uncomfortable, but nothing had prepared us for what we saw next. After walking down the hill to the water (ie the Mekong River) we see 4 boats laying there. They all look like big longtails (meaning they were about a metre wide and 5 metres long) with some weird makeshift engine on the back and a long stick with a propeller. The next thing that happens is that the driver hands us a lifejacket each (fair enough, safety first) and a some crash helmets (what the fu$%^% is this for). The helmets looked like motorbike helmets, with the screen and everything. Oh shit, we were all thinking, what the hell have we just signed up for.

We all cram onto the boat, and the driver fires up the engine. With a huge roar and water splashing everywhere we take off going upstream on the Mekong River. It's at this point we realize what the crash helmets are for. We must have been doing about 60 km/h in this dinky little thing called a boat. It was crazy guys. We were moving sooo fast.. All good though, until it begins to rain. An i'm not talking about no spitting raindrops we get in the western world, I'm talking about the big fat stuff that only monsoon countries see. The type that you think you can just lay down horizontally and swim in mid air. So, imagine this, we are zooming upstream in this dinky little boat, doing about 60 clicks when it starts to pour down. When you do that kind of speed, and the water droplets are the size of small grapes, it begins hurting, so we tried to the best of our abilities to cover up. We were sitting there with our helmets on, our rain jackets accross our legs and soaking wet.

We did this for about 3 hours before we finally reached our lunch location; a tiny raft like place which served food. And guys, let me tell you, the soup Haakon ordered must have been made with toilet water (Well, I guess that's impossible cuz the toilet waste flowed directly in the Mekong). It was worse than any soup he'd ever tried. Disgusting. Anyways, after about 45 min, we changed boats (don't know why), added 3 more poeple (which just cramped us more) and continued upstream (oh, when will it be over?). Since we now knew what to expect, this leg of the journey was better than the previous one, but yet it was horribly uncomfortable. About half an hour before we reach Huay Xai, we stop for another change of boats (still don't know why). No problem, right? Wrong. Big problem! See, what happened when the dork of a driver tried to move our bags onto the next boat is that he drops Haakon's backpack in the Mekong River. That's right, the whole bag is now floating in the river. DAMN, were we all pissed. All the people that we had met that day had been really rude and not nice, and this was just the last thing we needed. Oh well, we couldn't really do much but suck it up, and before long, we had finally made it to the final destination.

P.S. when I say that the people on the boat were not nice, I really mean it. Next day, we met a couple from Britain who had been on the same boat, just one day after us, who were forced to stay overnight at the shitty little place we had lunch, because they refused to pay more money to the driver. They only managed to get to the final city because a Turkish family felt sorry for them next morning and told the driver that unless they were allowed to come with them they would ask for a refund. The British couple were super upset, but were laughed at by the locals... so sweet of them.